The YaoiKick of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Recalled to Life
Summary: When Haruhi gets into yaoi, Kyon dismisses it as the latest craze. Then Itsuki starts acting rather strangely... ItsuKyon
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: Hooray! Yaoi! So, yeah... Junjou Romantica, in case you don't know, is a really amazing yaoi anime. It's great... Unless you don't like yaoi, if you don't like yaoi, then I guess Junjou Romantica kinda sucks. Now, on to the yaoi!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or Junjou Romantica.

* * *

Things were quiet for the SOS Brigade for a few months during summer. Much too quiet for the likes of Haruhi Suzumiya. In retrospect, I suppose I should have anticipated _something_… Anyway, getting back to my point.

It was a hot, dull summer, the kind of summer where you don't even think about cooling off at the beach; you just stay home, eat ice cream, and cram yourself into a refrigerator if you can fit. Unfortunately, school tended to interfere with that plan…

After school, I went to the clubroom. I'm really not sure _why_, mind you. The day was already miserable enough without Haruhi's crazy schemes to deal with, and given the heat, even tea brewed by the lovely Asahina-san sounded somewhat repulsive. Regardless, I went, if only to find out who the real masochists in our little group were.

Only Koizumi-kun was absent. Asahina-san glided about the room in her maid costume, Nagato sat in the corner, reading her book, and Haruhi stared intensely at the computer screen.

"Kyon!" She beckoned me. "Kyon! You have to see this! It's amazing!"

What is it?

"Come and see!" Haruhi was beginning to get impatient. "Mikuru-chan! Yuki-chan! You two come too!"

I guess she piqued all our curiosities, since all three of us wandered over to the computer.

Nagato merely glanced at the screen, nodded, and returned to her book.

"O-oh-oh my…" Asahina-san turned bright red and quickly glanced away from the screen.

I couldn't believe what was on that screen. It was hideous! It was indecent! It was unholy! It was… yaoi.

"Junjou Romantica is totally amazing!" Haruhi screamed.

No! Junjou Romantica is _not_ totally amazing! Because gay man porn is _bad_! This is why the global IQ is decreasing at such an alarming rate! Because of smut like _that_! Now turn that off immediately! …No, _no_! Don't keep watching! Don't you have other ways to keep yourself entertained? Ways that don't involve two men violating the sanctity of a university library with their…

"Oh, come on, Hiro-san! Quit fighting Nowaki! You know you like it!" Suzumiya was apparently past the point of listening to reason.

"Hello, everyone." Koizumi managed to choose this exact moment to enter the clubroom. "I hope I haven't missed anything important."

"Come look at this!" Suzumiya was calling Koizumi-kun to his doom.

"I see…" was all that he could say as Hiro-san and Nowaki threw the library into chaos right before our very eyes.

His usual grin vanished for a moment, but soon reappeared, wider than ever. "I see… Well, this is very interesting, but I must be going now. Kyon-kun? Care to come with me?"

"Anything to get away from this place…" I muttered. Many apologies to Asahina-san and even Nagato, but I couldn't stand to be in the same room as _that _for another second.

"He looked at your picture every day while he was in America!" Haruhi cooed at the computer screen. "How adorable! How romantic! Hiro-san, you lucky bastard!"

Thus, I left Haruhi mentally and emotionally occupied by what I was sure was just her latest craze.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Haruhi Suzumiya, although if I did, this is probably what would happen... I don't own anything referenced in this fic either.

* * *

"I really find it rather amusing," Koizumi mused as we walked. "Suzumiya-san is always so full of surprises. Junjou Romantica…" He shook his head in disbelief, but continued to smile. Part of me really wanted to slap him.

"You do realize what this could mean, don't you?" He gazed at me inquisitively. "With Suzumiya-san's abilities at work?"

Oh, crap… An image of Hiro-san and Nowaki replaced by me and Koizumi-kun flitted through my mind. That was something I did not need to see.

"It's impossible to say if that's what really will happen," he continued. "But it's a definite possibility. Asahina-san and Nagato-san are quite obviously safe, but the two of us will have to keep an eye on things. If either of us starts feeling… differently about the other, we shouldn't hesitate to tell. At present, I want this relationship no more than you do. Of course, Suzumiya-san may not do anything to us at all. Perhaps this new obsession will be confined to the computer screen… or she will select another pair of victims."

You know, Taniguchi and Kunikida wouldn't make a bad couple. They both have the IQ of a mayfly, so an intelligence barrier won't be an issue. They have the same interests… Voila! Problem solved! Those poor bastards have to take the fall for us, but hey, there will always be some casualties when dealing with Suzumiya.

"Perhaps… But I doubt that Suzumiya-san will find those two interesting enough to serve her purposes. Well, we won't know until it's too late, I suppose. Junjou Romantica…" Koizumi-kun shook his head again. "I suppose it has its merits, although I personally prefer Gakuen Heaven…"

I could think of no way to respond to this. Did Koizumi…?

"That was a joke." He beamed at me with his dazzling smile.

Words cannot describe how much I wanted to hurt him at that moment.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Haruhi Suzumiya, and Kyon is probably glad... That killjoy...

* * *

A week passed, and my current feelings for everyone remained very much the same. I grew hopeful. Maybe Koizumi-kun was right! Maybe nothing strange would happen! Yeah, right, I should be so lucky… Nothing would be safe until Haruhi gave up her beloved yaoi. She had already burned through Junjou Romantica, Loveless, and Angel's Feather. Had she no shame? Did her parents know what she was doing?

"No!" She screamed at the monitor. "No! Usagi-ani _cannot_ steal Misaki from Usagi-san!"

Of course he couldn't. You know that. You've already watched that episode five times, so you should know. Enough with the strawberries. Why don't you just move on to Gravitation or something?

"Gravitation?!" Haruhi grinned like the Cheshire cat while she typed something into the poor computer. Oh, dear God, Gravitation…

It was Haruhi; of course she had no shame. Didn't she see how much that smut was disturbing Asahina-san? Nagato was her immovable self, continuing to sit in the same chair, reading her book… How? How could she just tune out the horror playing out on the computer? I couldn't stay in that room any longer. Why did I come here during lunch? I knew Haruhi would be here, watching her filth. And Nagato, too… Had she been brainwashed into liking the gay man porn as well? I stormed off to the cafeteria, but no one seemed to notice.

Koizumi-kun intercepted me. We went down to the cafeteria together, got our sodas, and sat at an otherwise empty table. Lately, I had been eating with Koizumi-kun more than Taniguchi and Kunikida. Was that strange? No, of course it wasn't, two men can have a lunch table all to themselves without being lovers. We were safe from Haruhi's spell. Maybe Taniguchi and Kunikida were the ones who were off somewhere doing whatever…

"Suzumiya-san's yaoi fixation may actually be a good thing," Koizumi-kun said. "There's hardly been any Closed Space over the past week. If this keeps up, I may be out of a job."

"Have you been feeling strangely?" I asked. I had to; it was a matter of self-defense. The question needed to be asked every day.

He fell into deep contemplation for a moment before answering, "No, nothing really strange." He rose from his seat and leaned closer to me. "And you? Be honest."

Whoa, a bit too close for comfort there. It's really much easier to see you from the other side of the table than right in front of my face. And no, I feel just fine, thank you very much.

"Oh…" Koizumi-kun seemed… disappointed somehow. Why? Was he really serious about that Gakuen Heaven thing? "I see…"

Don't just say "I see," spit it out! Are you hiding something? Has Haruhi gotten to you after all?

"No, of course not!" He bounced back to his usual, cheerful self. "I was just thinking for a moment."

Oh, yeah? What about?

"… What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Even though it was Koizumi, that was not what he was really thinking about. It couldn't have been. As he took his leave of me, I started to wonder if maybe I did have something to worry about.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**: Oh my God, I really can't believe how many reviews this story has gotten... Damn, now I actually have to work on it. XD Thank you all so much!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. Wish I did, so I could write fun stuff like this and make it canon...

* * *

Koizumi was just waiting for me to let my guard down. That was it. That was why he hadn't made his move already. The vulnerable uke first had to leave himself open. Then the seme would swoop in to take advantage of him!

I have to make it quite clear that I only knew this because Haruhi refused to turn off the yaoi. I was just in the room often enough to pick up on the terms and the basic plotline that all of it seemed to use.

Maybe I was just being paranoid. But no! If I dismissed it as paranoia, it would be just the opportunity for Koizumi to pull something. No, Koizumi was definitely up to something, undoubtedly under the influence of Haruhi's sick little mind.

Still, I had to be thankful that I wasn't directly affected. Asahina-san was as cute as ever, and I still wanted to slap that perfect smile off of Koizumi's face. Maybe it was because I was Haruhi's "chosen" or whatever everyone was trying to tell me before. I had never felt that the affections of a hyperactive psychopath were a blessing before, but now… Oh, come on, Haruhi would never turn _me _gay. And even if she did, she would soon go mad with jealously, lose her love of yaoi, add Koizumi to her hit list, and we would all be back to our usual abnormality.

I shared the last of my observations with Koizumi at lunch.

"I see…" he mused.

For the love of God, none of this "I see" business! It's starting to get really irritating…

"It's just that I don't think there's a real problem to solve. If it was going to affect us, it probably already would have… Now if you'll excuse me." He was more animated than I had probably ever seen him, making all sorts of meaningless gestures. His voice trembled a little. Even his glorious smile seemed tainted somehow. Either he was really even more worried about this than I was or my fears had been realized.

He got up to throw his soda can away, but tripped… over what? His fall just happened to be timed so that the entire weight of his body crashed into me, knocking me out of my chair. I found myself sprawled out on the ground with Koizumi on top me, staring passionately into my eyes.

"Oops, clumsy me…" He smirked. He stood and offered to help me up, an offer I kindly refused. He walked away without another word, although he was looking back at me as he left. Longingly? Then I noticed just where he was looking. He was staring at my ass.

That settled it for me. My fears had been realized.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**: Time for my favorite chapter... I'm having a bit too much fun with this ^_^

**Disclaimer**: I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, although I do have this one picture I drew of Itsuki and Kyon holding hands, and it only kinda looks like them, because my art skills are a little lacking, but it's still cute...

* * *

What was I going to do about this? If I confronted Koizumi, he would just deny it, but if I let things run their course, unspeakable things might be done to me. If it were Asahina-san, Nagato, even Haruhi herself, I could have coped. Anyone but Koizumi! Why? Why was it my luck that the one person actively pursuing my attentions was another man? Although I'd rather it be Koizumi than, say, Taniguchi… Hey, there was an idea. Taniguchi was never getting a girlfriend anyway, so… That would be a last resort, though.

I considered the plan that I had shared with Koizumi. If Haruhi saw him getting too close to me, the problem would solve itself. The clubroom would be yaoi-free once again. Asahina-san would finally feel comfortable there. But there would be sacrifices, horrible sacrifices: my mental stability and quite possibly the life of Itsuki Koizumi. Still, it had to be done.

I marched to the clubroom with my grim purpose in mind. Koizumi and Haruhi had to be in there. I sincerely hoped that Asahina-san was elsewhere, but it couldn't be helped. I refused to spend the rest of my high school days in fear of yaoi. This was going to end here and now.

I threw open the door of the clubroom. Everyone was there. Perfect. I strutted up to Koizumi and said as convincingly as I could, "Itsuki, I think… I think I love you."

I kissed him. As much as I didn't want to, I kissed him. Him. Itsuki Koizumi. Another man. I… I still can't believe I actually went through with it.

Asahina-san gasped and dropped the teacup she was holding. It shattered. I hated to shock her like that. I would have to explain to her that it really wasn't what it looked like.

Nagato glanced up from her book for a second, but then went back to reading. That was it?

But we _really_ got Haruhi's attention. She stared at us from her seat behind the computer with a look that was difficult to interpret. She opened her mouth to speak. Yes, soon my yaoi issue would be resolved. Back to the usual headaches, thank God…

"Yaoi? In our very own SOS Brigade? Excellent! Wait a minute or so, I'll get my camera!"

Huh?

"Wow, Kyon-kun, I really had no idea…" Koizumi wrapped his arms around my waist.

Wha-? But… But… No! I didn't mean…! I was… You know what I was doing, Koizumi! Don't play dumb with me!

"Got it!" Haruhi really had gotten her video camera. "Now smile you two! Hey! We could make another movie! What to call it…"

No! Get that camera out of here! I will not sit by idly while you corrupt the innocent minds of the world with a gay porn film! Especially not with me and-

My protests were interrupted as Koizumi kissed me. On the lips! Ugh! He knew I was lying before! He had to have known!

I shoved him off of me and stormed out of the room. How dare he take advantage of me that way! That smiling bastard!


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer****:** I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

* * *

I ate lunch with Taniguchi and Kunikida the next day. I didn't want to see Koizumi under any circumstances. Not after that humiliation.

"Kyon-kun!" Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Still, he practically dragged me away from the two bozos.

"If either of us starts feeling differently about the other, we shouldn't hesitate to tell," I growled as soon as we were alone.

"That's what I thought at first." Koizumi sighed. "But then… When the time came, it was harder than I expected. You asked, and I decided to lie rather than face rejection. And the longer it went on… I started to wonder if Suzumiya-san really had anything to do with it at all. It just felt too real…"

But Haruhi has to be behind it all! This entire incident is just the product of her twisted mind. Why else would two straight guys like us end up making out?

Koizumi seemed… dejected as he turned to leave. What? Was it something I said?

Before I knew what I was doing, I rushed after him, spun him around, and kissed him.

Wait, what? There was no way I was actually kissing him. Of my own free will. And… enjoying it?

His flawless hair, his gorgeous smile, his perfect face that I wouldn't introduce to my girlfriend if I had one (or, at the moment, wanted one)… It must have been the summer heat getting to me. Still, some bizarre passion for Itsuki Koizumi had awakened within the depths of my soul.

"Itsuki!" I gasped as I pulled away. "I… I… I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"No, that's okay." Itsuki held me closer. I didn't mind. He kissed me again. This time, I was ready for it. I was actually looking forward to it a little. I really didn't even care if anyone saw us.

What the hell just happened?! A second ago, I opposed this pairing with every fiber of my being, and now… Haruhi. I would deal with her… later.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Oh, Kyon, we all knew Haruhi would get to you eventually. Next time, the last chapter! D:


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer****:** I own nothing!

* * *

Suddenly, it stopped. The passion, the kissing, the yaoi: It was over. To be honest, I may have been a little disappointed. Still, I was mostly glad.

Koizumi's arms dropped to his waist, and he took a few steps back. That's right, pal, you were invading my bubble of personal space. So back away. Back away…

"It would appear that Suzumiya-san has become disillusioned with yaoi… So everything is the way it was before… I apologize, Kyon-kun, but I'm afraid I have to break up with you now."

I was about to say the same thing to you. But what could have convinced Haruhi to give up her beloved yaoi? We rushed to the clubroom.

"Amazing!" Haruhi was still seated in front of the computer when we got there. Asahina-san stood on top of a chair trying to reach a high shelf, looking very disturbed. Nagato sat in the corner and continued to read her book. Koizumi-kun and I looked at the computer screen over Haruhi's shoulder.

"I see…" Koizumi seemed very amused.  
As for me, I couldn't believe it. It was hideous! It was indecent! It was unholy! It was… a whole lot better than the yaoi, in my opinion. It was yuri.

"Kannazuki no Miko is amazing!" Haruhi exclaimed.

Two girls going at it seemed a lot less revolting to me than two guys. Hell, Himeko and Chikane could use the library anytime they wanted for all I cared. Maybe I could actually join Haruhi on this one. It distracted me so much that I barely noticed when Koizumi put his hand on the small of my back. Barely. So back off, Koizumi… That's right, I felt that… Wait, I thought this yaoi nonsense was behind us!

As I considered pulling up an extra chair, Asahina-san cried out and lost her balance. Koizumi-kun and I were too far away to do anything. Poor Asahina-san could only fall…

Into the arms of Yuki Nagato.

Nagato?

Nagato.

"…"

Nagato stared at Asahina-san with an intensity I had never before seen in her. Asahina-san seemed to pick up on this and cowered in her arms.

"Are you… all right?" Four more nice, simple words than Nagato usually uses.

"Yuki-chan!" Haruhi exclaimed. "Yuki-chan, are you… of that persuasion? I can't believe our luck! Yuri in our very own SOS Brigade!"

Here we go again…

* * *

**Author's Note**: Cue the awkward music! Hooray for yuri... I like yuri too, by the way, but I've never had a yuri-coma. Can't say the same for yaoi... Either way, sorry if the ending was a bit of a disappointment. I was going for the lulz here. And I'm thinking about writing a sequel. Maybe? The YuriKick of Haruhi Suzumiya? Let me know if you want me to do it.


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